They said
“I thought you would of been happier about that” “I thought that’s what you wanted” “I thought you liked that” “I thought” “I thought” “I thought”
Yes. I am happy. Except that happiness is locked in a box and put to the back of my mind. Because other thoughts have taken priority. It’s not my choice, I want to show you my happiness. But it’s the constant terrifying thoughts that take the stand. Shouting louder than ever. Making themselves known. I don’t want them there. I don’t want them there at all. Do you think I have a choice? I wish I did.
If anything, not for myself. But to make you happier because you’ll see I’m happy and not eyes full of terror. I hide that feeling, put on a happy smile. I tell myself just smile and reply. Because you thinking I’m happy is better than the truth. That’s until that day when I’m so tired of pretending, I just don’t have the strength to lift the mask up. My replies are shorter, still trying to hide, I’m trying so hard to hide it. But it’s going to be seen. And that’s when you say “I thought you was happier”. I am, trust me. I just need a little help making that feeling take priority.
“I thought” just shows how much people can hide the truth.
Feeling like a burden is massive part as to why we choose to wear a mask. I don’t want to bother you. You don’t have time to listen to me. I could go on and on as to why I don’t want to speak to you about my thoughts behind everything. Because I’m scared that once I start the tears and shakiness won’t stop.
But.
You have to speak out. You have to. Because it won’t stay like this forever. It will get better. And by talking about what your covering up, your taking steps forward to get better. You will get better. And you deserve to. You’ve experienced most than others. But that also means you have the strength to keep rising. A real smile will come through. And they won’t have to say “I thought you would of been…”. because you’ll reach your goal. And you’ll look back smiling and say – wow. Look how far I’ve come.
Amy’s Blog 