Dear me at 17

Your 17. I wrote this because I knew you’d make it. Because you where always going to make it. At times it might of been a stretch. But you can do it. Your year of being 16 may of been different from what you imagined. But the strength you pulled from that year has been worth it. Allowing your year of being 17 to be stronger than ever. Understanding effects of trauma within domestic abuse can come in so many different ways. In ways which aren’t thought about. With more awareness, people can be aware with the effects and we can all help each other. When at times I had no control I created my control. Creating good and bad numbers. Unfortunately 17 is a bad number. I don’t even have a reason. Im terrified of the number. But I know i’ll be okay. Because 17 is just a number and that is all. It won’t hurt me. It won’t give me bad luck. And it won’t hurt others. So breathe in. Breathe out. For 17 is just a number.

14th February 2020- I’m 16 today. I’m happy. But I know what next year will mean. I’ll be 17. I don’t know why but 17 doesn’t sit right with me. Me and the number doesn’t work. As a matter of fact I hate that number. I don’t have a reason. But I’m terrified of it. But it’ll be okay. It’s a year away.

26th December 2020- I know when it gets to Christmas it’s getting closer to my birthday. I shouldn’t be thinking about it this early but I am. And I can’t stop it. The number 17 is everywhere I go. But I have to face it. It’s just a number I tell myself but my head tells me different.

1st January 2021- I hope this year is better I really do. My head is on overload today. It’s a new year it has to be better. But it can’t. Because I’m going to be 17. It can’t be better. It’s getting closer. This time next month, it’s my birthday month. It’s running towards me. It’s watching me and enjoying me struggle. (At times like this take out a piece of paper and pen, write down all those thoughts. But it down, lock it away and don’t think about it). That voice is liar. And we can rise above it.

31st January 2021 – Tomorrow will be February. Which means 2 more weeks. Am I scared? Yes. But can I do anything about it? No. And that’s okay. It has to be okay. I make it past the 17th of each month. So there’s no reason why I can’t make it this year just because I’m 17. I need to look at what 17 will give me. I’ll be able to drive. I’ve always wanted to drive. I’ll be able to apply to the course I’ve dreamed of doing. So 17 isn’t that bad.

3rd February 2021 – I’m just reminding myself of how much I do to avoid anything to do with 17. Even saying it makes me anxious. But I have said, I’ve wrote it and I’ve lived through 2017. And nothing has happened. Nothing. It’s safe. It’s safe. And I will keep telling myself that. Because that’s the truth.

14th February 2021 – There’s only one thing you can do. Turn 17. Let go of the fear each day. For 17 is only a number. Enjoy this year. There’s great things coming. Remember that.