frustration

Frustration is a big thing anxiety can cause. And I hate it. You can get so frustrated at the smallest amount of things. Like on those days where you’ve planned to meet up with friends, you’ve been wanting to go out with them for ages but your mind says no. And you hate yourself for it, your frustrated at yourself. Why did I let my mind control me like that? Frustrated.

That night you start to look back at all the other times you missed out on. Frustrated at yourself for always cancelling. Frustrated that it has happened more than once – you begin to put the pressure on yourself to make sure you don’t do it again.

Triggers are something that can be anywhere at anytime, no matter how big or small. Sometimes you can justify the big ones. But it’s when the small ones get you. Frustrated that you couldn’t fight back. Just so frustrated at yourself for being triggered.

A friend, a family, someone, they reach out to you, texting you to see how you are. But you can’t reply. Not because you don’t want to, but because your eyes are filled with that many tears you can barely see. Frustrated at yourself for not being able to reply to a “simple” message. So you reply with “I’m fine” because it’s easier. But again your frustrated at yourself for not being honest – when in reality you wanted to open up but frustrated at yourself for being upset. Frustrated at you being frustrated.

But do you know what? It’s okay if I couldn’t meet my friend that time. I acknowledged I couldn’t do it then, but will work towards it for the future. It’s okay to put myself first, I know it’s okay to take the time I need. And when I’m ready, I can take that step.

In reality, a trigger is a trigger. It doesn’t matter on size, whether it’s big or it’s small. It’s a trigger and that’s final. It’s what we do to pull ourselves out of that. How I choose to fight back. And with time, patience and hope, I will be able to ride the wave instead of drowning.

It can be hard to admit your struggling, but letting the close ones around you can help massively. Even if it’s a message of “I’m not the best right now, but I don’t want to talk about it right now”. Because by doing that you’ve relieved the pressure of telling them, and allowing yourself time with that to process.

You feel like it’s your responsibility to fix everything, to keep the peace, to carry on, to be okay all the time, to be someone other people can lean on. I don’t want you to forget that you are important too.