It always hurts

Don’t you understand that it always hurts? The tornado of a mess that goes of in my head. The hurting sounds of my heart beating at a hundred miles an hour. I know it’s not a race but my body thinks it is. The flight response that kicks the nerves in. The nerves that never seem to go.

But the nerves are just the start of it. In fact, I’ve had them for so long they’ve become part of me, I’m just use to it. But should I be use to it? The ongoing hurt of flooding emotion isn’t something I should have, but I do. And it always hurts.

My body begins to freeze, letting everything become tense except the awful control of thoughts that flood my mind. The physical pain sets in. A stomach pain that makes you curl over, I try to stand up straight but it hurts. Hurts to much to even move. And that’s the control anxiety can have.

You start to breath in and out. In and out. And at every inhale your lungs get tighter and tighter and the the breath you can find is barely there. The sharpness pain in the chest stabs you at every hope you have of breath. You hold yourself fighting, waiting for the pain to stop.

The headache that’s lasted for days. You crave for food yet the sickness feeling over rides it – filling you with more dread and thoughts. It just never seems to stop hurting, but I don’t want to burden you with that.

My heart drops when I hear the thoughts my mind creates, there awful and it makes my body hurt. Don’t you understand? The pain never stops. And behind my eyes of the highest smiles and the loudest laughter, I’m still hurting. The unbearable pain I have to go to sleep with and to wake up feeling the same. Behind them glistening eyes of a girl is another trapped in a cage in pain. Just begging you to understand – that it never stops hurting.

But it the end it will stop, because you will have won. Taken back the control you once lost, finding that true self of you again. And understanding that the pain and hurt can go away. And that life itself can be great again, without the thought of “no one understands that hurt”, because there is a life without this hurt.