Leaving is still hell.

Leaving a situation that causes harm should be better. It has to be. No more mental abuse. You should feel safer. You should be thriving in a better environment. But what happens if it’s not better?

The constant feeling of not being able to feel safe. Knowing it could come flooding back as soon as you walk round that corner. The fear of knowing it’s watching but you can never see it. But it’s still there just not in focus. Your now in a situation that is classed as “normal” and is “better”. But is it? Because I don’t feel normal. Not the normal I’m used to. And it’s scary because your waiting for it to come. Coming home your expecting the worst again. But this time nothing. But still expecting. Almost as if you need it.

Still kept tense and aware. Because that guard has never been lowered. Can I allow to trust again? For that tension to be dropped. Is it safe? It is safe. My mind tells me different. The sleepless nights not knowing what’s going to come the next day. At least when I was there I new I was safer. Because I hadn’t the control. But now having the control leaves me waiting for it soon to be taken. I don’t want to make it angry. I don’t want to upset it. The guilt is far to much. Clings to me. With the questions i don’t want real answers to.

Was it me? Was it really all my fault?

What if I had just put up with it?

What if? What if? What if?

But I can’t think like that. Because I’m out the situation. It should be better.

But it’s the word “should” that lingers. It should feel better. But it doesn’t. The need to crawl back and just keep quiet is so strong. Trying to live up to the expectations of taking steps forward but actually taking them back. I’m so use to what shouldn’t be the normal I can’t adapt. What if when I’m older I lead back to the situation. Knowing I’ll be more “safe”. I know how to react. I know what to do. I know how to survive.

Because right now my barrier is higher than ever and no one can get in. I push people away. Can I afford to lower it. Trust what people say. Can I be loved? I want to be loved.