I keep telling myself “it is what it is”. A frequent line I keep hearing. But deep down I wish it was different.
I don’t want to tell anyone when I’m sad anymore. Because all I want to do is fake a smile. Alone with my thoughts is when I cry, for me to wipe my own eyes.
All to be repeated again the next day.
I know the girl I used to be is gone. I and others tell me I’ve survived. But I can’t remember a day I haven’t cried.
My own mind is drowning me and I’ve physically forgot how to swim.
I smile and nod “I’m fine”. To making my coffee in the morning. Knowing I have lost myself – I’m different now.
And maybe that’s okay.
Because even if I could go back, I wouldn’t belong there anymore. And although I’m tired and all motivation is lost.
I’ll wake up to fight the same battle in my head. To smile and act like everything is okay.
“As they watch me barley holding on to life, and then say – but you survived” Rose Brik
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