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One. Two. Three. You’ve got this

I don’t think people get what it feels like to wake up and already hate yourself. To have dried mascara crusted to your eyes because you didn’t have the energy to wash your face last night and you cried yourself to sleep because that’s the only thing that seems to work. To already be exhaustedContinue reading “One. Two. Three. You’ve got this”

Not again – surely?

Held underwater? Not again – surely? You let me briefly up for air? God I know this suffocating will never stop. I don’t remember it. The first time it felt like I was drowning. It felt real but not all the way real. I was laughing, well I use to…. Until I drowned in theContinue reading “Not again – surely?”

I miss that one person

I miss that one person Not just a person But the person I used to be. It’s when the waves hit. And it’s not just one. It’s thousands. I tell the missing person, the lost version of me that it hurts like hell. A million thoughts hitting repeatedly with questions over and over. I sayContinue reading “I miss that one person”

I never asked to be a fighter

I never asked to be a fighter. But life had different plans for me. It threw me face down. Real smiles turned to fake And life just laughed and said survive. Each day comes with my mind fighting. Life feels so hard and I can’t understand why. I told myself that everything’s a lot atContinue reading “I never asked to be a fighter”

Maybe one day – it will be okay

I keep telling myself “it is what it is”. A frequent line I keep hearing. But deep down I wish it was different. I don’t want to tell anyone when I’m sad anymore. Because all I want to do is fake a smile. Alone with my thoughts is when I cry, for me to wipeContinue reading “Maybe one day – it will be okay”

A simple smile

I wake up to feel a tone of bricks holding me down. Compressing me like I’m about to take my last final breath. Heart rate thundering – preparing for survival. Survival from the night of hell. But I must keep going. I force myself out of bed. Barely standing. Just wanting to break out intoContinue reading “A simple smile”

In the distance

Me Well, what I can remember what was “me” is somewhere in the distance telling this body which I am surviving in to keep fighting. To keep on breathing, trying, surviving. But how can I when I feel so hollow. When I feel all what’s left is anxious thoughts. Thoughts filled with dread, terror andContinue reading “In the distance”

Never Give Up

When I say I want a break, it’s not a break from my work. It’s not that I need a day to catch up on my sleep. It’s a break from my mind, from my body. From my thoughts that have now become reality. The fear in my mind which my body fights through. TheContinue reading “Never Give Up”

To be a star you must burn

I just wish I didn’t disappoint you when I can’t love myself. When I can’t be happy. When I can’t eat. When I can’t sleep. When I can’t take care of me. Because now I have two things inside me screaming. One is telling me that I’m failing myself and the other is that I’mContinue reading “To be a star you must burn”

I ask you to take a few minutes

TW- suicide When the morning sun shone on my face. I cried, I fought, I tried. The demon screaming louder and louder. Consuming all that I felt was left of me. I thought the day had come for me not to fight back. All those dark days that surrounded me, the days that feel likeContinue reading “I ask you to take a few minutes”